Monday's Lunchtime Links!

Dude here.

As you may or may not have noticed, Capitol Ill has been quiet since last Tuesday. Quintana and I made like Congress and took a late summer vacation. Not a sleep in, enjoy the weather, and sightsee vacation. More like a can’t differentiate between when you are and are not hung over by the start of the weekend vacation. We were going through it.  I legitimately think I might still be hung over, but I’m back on The Hill today.  Quintana is still out, but The Dude couldn’t leave you hanging like that. Here’s all the news both you and I missed from the weekend.

Your Monday Lunchtime Links

• Libyan rebels stormed Tripoli, the nation’s capital, and are one the brink of ousting Gadhafi. The Dude can only assume these are the same Libyan rebels that sold plutonium in mall parking lots like two decades ago. (latimes)
• So militants in the Gaza Strip have agreed to a cease-fire with Israel?  Or maybe they didn’t. I feel like firing rockets definitely counts as fire. (forbes)
• David Axelrod thinks that the democratic base will get out and vote come November 2012 because of George W. Bush. Then he realized he was reading his notes from the last election. (thedc)
• Trial lawyers across the nation are banding together to campaign against Rick Perry, a supporter of tort reform. I guess this means he’s doing something right. (politico)
• If you were looking for lemonade on the Hill, you might be out of luck.  (foxnews)
• My reverse jinx on the Redskins has them on a two game preseason winning streak, or as I like to call it, the high point of Washington’s 2011-2012 season. Enjoy it while it lasts. (espn)
• The Martin Luther King Memorial on the National Mall opens today. This was a long time coming. (wapo)
• Kim Kardashian is officially off the market. Until she visits another professional sporting event. (mtv)
• It’s really nice out today. I don’t have a link for this, but I’d be remiss to not mention it after the sauna that was July. Go eat your lunch outside.

The Hammer: So that’s where Huntsman has been!

Tuesday’s Lunchtime Links

I realized something yesterday. We have about 15 months until the Presidential election is over, but I already want to strangle every single person who starts pontificating on the topic. We need to make rules for this. Rule one: if someone starts talking about politics after 11 PM in any social gathering, you are allowed to give them a swift punch to the gut, no questions asked. That's a one-step fix right there. Rule two: you can only discuss scandalous rumors or conspiracy theories if you put a hundred bucks down that it comes true, 2:1 odds. Think everyone's favorite social conservative is secretly gay? Sure, you can talk about it, but if he's not tapping his feet under the stall, we all get paid for putting up with your shit. I'll have more later. For now:

Your Tuesday Lunchtime Links

• Warren Buffett takes liberals everywhere from six to midnight. (nytimes)


• This may be the best idea Paul Krugman has ever had. Obama, hire this man. He's ready for primetime. (huffpo)


• Now that they've perfected all internal operations, WMATA flexes its bureaucrat-speak for more federal support. (wapo)


• And now something for everyone: Obama, Bachmann, and Perry awkwardly eating corndogs. (theDC)


• Student loan debt skyrockets as the most popular post-grad plan remains "move into your parent's basement." (wsj)


• Dissatisfied with only partial destruction of our economy, Obama considers giving Freddie and Fannie new identities, putting them back in the driver's seat. (wapo)


• Rick Perry dives into Ron Paul territory and reporters everywhere remember how much they love hyperbole. (atlantic)


• Welcome to DC, where up is down, black is white, and giving thousands of guns to drug cartels gets you promoted. (latimes)


• President Obama is now on foursquare. I'm starting a pool on what happens first: a staffer accidentally checks into Camelot, or we compromise national security. (telegraph)


• Apparently, every mysterious creature is now a Chupacabra. Either way, I'm staying the hell out of Cheverly. (wapo)

The Hammer: LeBron James gets schooled by a Taiwanese kid and makes a total ass of himself. This must've happened in the fourth quarter.



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Who's Got Alcee Hastings In Their Congressional Sex Scandal Office Pool?

(VIA) The Wall Street Journal reports that a congressional ethics panel is investigating allegations that Rep. Alcee Hastings (D-FL) sexually harassed a member of his staff.  The investigation began after a conservative group "filed a lawsuit as the legal counsel for Winsome Packer, a staffer on a commission Mr. Hastings headed. She alleged that she had been sexually harassed by the congressman and that he retaliated when she tried to report it." Hastings wouldn't directly address the allegations in an interview: "Quite frankly your source has as much or more information than I do and I would suggest you rely upon them. It would be impossible for me in a paragraph or a page or two or a tome or volumes one and two to help you understand the dynamics of these events. I'll leave it at that."


Boom! As you'll remember, I proposed a Congressional sex scandal office pool two weeks ago.  Well, we have a winner. Rep. Alcee Hastings from Florida reportedly tried to put the moves on staffer Winsome Parker. Chick is no joke either, I googled her. She's got a four-star book on Amazon for a very reasonable price. The book's title is a bit funnier now: A Personal Agenda. Your boy Hastings was working with a personal agenda, and we see how that's worked out for him. It took TWO WEEKS for the pool to end. I'm not even sure if you could have filled all 535 congressional office squares in two weeks. Takes forever to track down money for those things.


PS: This is the same dude who played Peter Gallagher's sidekick in Mr. Deeds, no?

Thursday's Lunchtime Links

As seen on Cloture Club.


I've gotta be honest with you guys, I'm over August. It's the middle child of the summer months. The weeks just drag, everyone gets kind of complacent. And have you seen Cloture Club's events calendar? Pretty barren. Just makes those August weekends that much more valuable. Come onnnn Friday.

Your Thursday Lunchtime Links

• The GOP Debate in Iowa at Nine p.m. tonight, followed by Jersey Shore at Ten? Looks like I've got my trashy reality TV fix covered. (foxnews)
• The stock market has lost its damn mind. At least it's back up. For today. (nytimes)
• Who are these 21% of Americans who approve of Congress and what the hell are they thinking?  (wapo)
• Obama is taking a 10 day vacation to Martha's Vineyard. You know, because things are going so well. George Bush feels you. (realclearpolitics)
• Can I interest you in another Congressional Sex Scandal? (politicalwire)
• Obama is apparently excited about a SEAL Team Six movie, too. Like compromise national security excited. (nydailynews)
• Bryce Harper, The Nationals' 18 year old hitting prodigy, is acting more like a six year old at AA Harrisburg. (wapo)
• First good news of the day: Lopez Tonight has been canceled! (foxnews)
• Great Britain is now stealing citizens freedoms, too. (wapo)

The Hammer: Sex Sells...Even as Stocks Don't.

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Rep. Peter King Tries To Ruin The Greatest Movie Ever

The chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee has called for an investigation into reports that the Obama administration is granting Sony Pictures and director Kathryn Bigelow “high-level access” for a film about the Navy SEAL operation which killed Osama Bin Laden. New York Republican Rep. Peter King sent a letter Tuesday to Defense Department Inspector General Gordon Heddell and CIA Inspector General David Buckley, expressing his concern about declassifying sensitive information for pure entertainment. “The administration’s first duty in declassifying material is to provide full reporting to Congress and the American people, in an effort to build public trust through transparency of government,” he wrote. “In contrast, this alleged collaboration belies a desire of transparency in favor of a cinematographic view of history.” In his letter, Rep. King noted that the mission was successful because it was extremely covert, and that providing “high-level access” to a Hollywood filmmaker runs contrary to that effort. The movie is scheduled for release one month before the 2012 presidential election. (VIA)

Dude here.

I'm literally leaving to camp outside a movie theater right now. Bringing my laptop, a few dozen lunchables, a sleeping bag, and I'll blog from the sidewalk until this movie comes out. Just use that "Free Public Wifi" I always see on my networks but I never use. Pretty sure that's a scam but I'm over it.

Can you even image how awesome this movie is going to be? Explosions: check. Gunfights: check. Terrorists: check. Next level military vehicles: check. America triumphing: check. Everything is here. It's gonna like if Rocky, Miracle, and Saving Private Ryan had a three way. The Dude gets jacked up for Black Hawk Down, and we didn't even win that fight. I ran around my apartment yelling SEAL TEAM SIX for like three weeks after the raid went down, now I get to relive it on the silver screen.

Hey Kathryn Bigalow, wanna really make The Dude's day? Cast Nic Cage to play Bin Laden. Dude's like a chameleon. I just went from six to midnight thinking about it. Plus I'm pretty sure Cage will play anyone for a few million dollars at this point. And Michael Bay has to produce this movie, right? It'd be like when Who Wants To Be A Millionaire replaced Regis with that weird chick if they don't. Doesn't matter who they get if it's not Bay.

God, I'm amped. 

There's no way Peter King gets this film shut down. The Dude won't have it. Sorry bro.

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Wednesday's Lunchtime Links

As seen on Cloture Club.

TGIW? Beats the hell out of Tuesday. You can practically see Friday on the horizon, and the daze of the Monday is now well behind you. Unless you work on The Hill, that is.  In that case its recess, and you’re not doing real work at any point this week. So to all you Hill staffers out there, here’s your break from GChat.

Your Wednesday Lunchtime Links

• I’ll spin this as positively as I can: Hey look, stocks are on sale again!  (nytimes)
• Turns out this whole “economic crisis” business might not be great news for Obama’s job security. (wapo)
• Rand Paul is pushing for a vote of no confidence in Secretary Geithner. Guess this downgrade thing is catching on. (dailycaller)
• There are more GOP nominees than voters in Iowa. (examiner)
• Anonymous, the world famous hacking group, is threatening to take down Facebook. Could they do us all a favor and take out Myspace too? (cnn)
• Republicans plan to use their super powers to solve the debt crisis. Or at least that’s how I read it. (wapo)
• The Nationals’ Wang is impressive. (wapo)
• Rex Grossman predicts the Redskins will win the NFC East. Yes, you’re reading that correctly. (worldwideleader)
• Things in London are still really out of hand. Props to this 9 year old for having his looting priorities straight though. (dailymail)

The Hammer: Doesn’t even flinch.

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Your Tuesday Lunchtime Links

Good afternoon, folks. Well, better than yesterday afternoon anyways. Don’t worry baby boomers, we’ll spend the next few decades cleaning up after your drunken spending spree. No no, don’t get up. It’s fine. Assholes. Anyways, that 634 point drop in the Dow isn’t all that’s happening. Lunchtime links are queued up; roll tape:

-Looks like Obama just picked up a new political guru from Gotham. Why so serious? (politico)

-Way to go and ruin it for everyone, Mark Foley. (theDC)

-Ben Bernanke stays committed to his time-honored philosophy of throwing money at problems. (bloomberg)

-Ezra Klein rips off The Dude, downgrades S&P. (wapo)

-Looks like the market crash has hit some harder than others. Or this guy is seriously into a game of WoW. (wusa9)

-And now, a strong contender for the greatest idea of all time. (wapo)

-“A thrill-seeking Florida stripper and her AK-47-toting siblings on a multistate crime spree yesterday ignored their heartsick mother's plea to give themselves up, authorities said.” This does not happen enough. (nypost)

-Everyone thinks Obama is chilling out way too hard on this whole “economic crisis” thing. Harsh. (wapo)

-Caroline Kennedy stops ABC by revealing Jackie O thought LBJ killed JFK. WTF. (theDC)

The Hammer: Satisfied now that he has Han Solo frozen in carbonite, Michael Moore moves on to S&P.

Follow us @CapitolIll.

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Get A Load of These Assholes- S&P Downgrades United State's Credit Rating

Reuters- The United States lost its top-tier AAA credit rating from Standard & Poor's on Friday in an unprecedented blow to the world's largest economy in the wake of a political battle that took the country to the brink of default. S&P cut the long-term U.S. credit rating by one notch to AA-plus on concerns about the government's budget deficit and rising debt burden. The action is likely to eventually raise borrowing costs for the American government, companies and consumers. "The downgrade reflects our opinion that the fiscal consolidation plan that Congress and the Administration recently agreed to falls short of what, in our view, would be necessary to stabilize the government's medium-term debt dynamics," S&P said in a statement. The outlook on the new U.S. credit rating is "negative," S&P said in a statement, indicating another downgrade was possible in the next 12 to 18 months. The move reflects the deterioration in the global economic standing of the United States, which has had a AAA credit rating from S&P since 1941, and it could have implications for the U.S. dollar's reserve currency status.

Dude Here.

Downgrade America? Not on my watch. You can't downgrade America, it's just not possible. These colors don't run. Just a bitch move all around by S&P. Breaking this news on a Friday? What did you think, you were going to bury the story? For sure not. You can run S&P, but The Dude is coming for you. This will be a first for Capitol Ill, but I think it's merited. The Dude is downgrading S&P. Consider it done. Now some of you are probably saying "Dude, you never rated S&P in the first place." Don't care. Taking that shit down to a CCC-. Here's why:

Monday's Lunchtime Links

It's Monday, so let's be honest here. Late to work? Most likely. Exhausted? Undoubtedly. Friday feels like it's about as close as Christmas. You're probably not getting more than 15 minutes of actual work in today. We're here to help you do that. News and notes from the weekend that was:


S&P downgraded the United States' credit rating from AAA to AA+ over the weekend. I guess we won't be making the dean's list this semester. (reuters)


S&P downgrade partially caused by recent political gridlock & partisanship. Naturally, both parties react by blaming one another. Que Alanis Morissette. (politico)

At least all this downgrade news isn't affecting the stock market... (nytimes)


Timothy Geithner to stay on as Secretary of the Treasury. You know, because the economy has pretty much been killing it since he came on in 2009. (dailycaller)

Chinese rating company with no ulterior motive looks into their crystal ball, sees a future where puny American dollar is replaced with glorious Chinese currency. Shocking. (cnbc)

London riots! And we're fairly certain it's got nothing to do with soccer this time. (nytimes)

Stephen Strasburg throws hot fire in his first rehab start at Class A Hagerstown. (wapo)

Saturday was "fan appreciation day" at Redskins training camp. I'd note that "fan" is singular. (nbcwashington)

Prince George's County is rethinking casino style gambling in wake of current economic conditions. If I suddenly stop posting on CC, you'll know they approved it. (wapo)

Miami PD ruin Big Boi of Outkast's bid for "the greatest weekend ever." (tmz)

The Hammer: Michele, you look great.

Lunchtime Links

Happy Friday afternoon, kids. We at Capitol Ill understand that you've probably spend the last four hours or so ignoring emails, GChatting, and trying to figure out if you were still over the legal limit when you drove to work this morning. That's why we're kicking off a little something new - compiling a set of "things you were probably too hungover to process" so that when you step into that meeting in 45 minutes, there's something knocking around inside your skull besides tequila metabolites. Without further ado:


82% of Americans now disapprove of the job Congress is doing it's job.  Wait, so Congress publicly engaging in the worlds most repetitive pissing contest was a bad thing? (WaPo)

In totally unrelated news. (WSJ)


Nader promises a Democratic Primary challenger to Obama. Well, at least he's not running? (Daily Caller)

Speaking of running for president. (SplitSide)

Redskin QB Rex Grossman has been doing big things this offseason. And by big I mean fat. (Yahoo Sports)

Good luck on the Red Line this weekend...and the Blue line for that matter. Maybe just stay away from the Metro. (WaPo)

Bear Grylls' son saves girl's life. Even if they do drink their own piss, this is a seriously badass family. (Daily Mail)

And you thought our debt crisis was bad. European debt crisis 101. (WaPo)

Remember The Rent Is Too Damn High guy? Turns out the rent really was too damn high. (Politico)

The Hammer: It's tough logic to argue with...

Read us daily at capitolillDC.com and follow us on twitter @CapitolIll

Worst. Esé. Ever.

 

(Via)- A 21-year-old woman has come forward in what police say is the sixth reported attack on young women and teenage girls at Fairfax County shopping malls since February.  The woman told police on Monday that she was shopping at the T.J. Maxx at Fairfax Towne Center on June 8 when she felt something pinch her skirt, police said.  At the time, she thought that she had been cut by a hanger and did not think much of the incident.  But after police recently connected a string of five seemingly random slashings that began on Valentine's Day, the woman realized she may have been a victim of a similar attack.  "This is an example of this happening to other people who didn't realize it at the time," said Fairfax County police spokeswoman Lucy Caldwell. In each incident, the suspect distracted the victim before slashing her with a box cutter or razor, police said.  The suspect is described as a heavyset Latino man in his late 20s, police said. He is about 5-foot-6, and various surveillance tapes show him wearing a white wristwatch on his left arm.  In the June 8 incident, the woman told police she remembered seeing a man picking up pieces of clothing after she felt the pinch. When she returned home, she discovered cuts in her skirt, police said. She did not require medical treatment.  


Dude here.  Look, I'm not gonna sit here and act like this guy should have actually stabbed these women.  That's obviously some serious shit I wouldn't wish on anyone.  With that being said, is this guy the worst Latino gangster of all time?  These women didn't even require medical attention.  Or know they got fucking stabbed for that matter.  Do you have any idea how many times I've accidentally stabbed myself?  There's probably still pencil graphite in my knee from grade school.  And this guy swings and misses on six occasions?  Something doesn't add up.  All I know is this: If I was La Raza, I'd be way out in front of this story.  Demanding DNA testing and shit.  No way I'm letting this guy ruin my people's hard earned rep.

Lot of unanswered questions here...

KPVI - An Idaho Falls man has been told not to wear his bunny suit in public anymore after neighbors complained that he was frightening small children... According to reports, a resident told authorities that her son had been frightened by Falkingham who was wearing a black bunny suit and hiding behind a tree. The neighbor also told police that the 34-year-old male pointed his finger like a gun at her son. Officers also spoke to other neighbors who expressed that they were greatly disturbed by Falkingham and his bunny suit. Neighbors also reported that the 34-year-old occasionally wears a tutu with the costume. Falkingham told authorities that he enjoys wearing the suit, but understands the neighbors’ concerns and complaints.

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It just wouldn't be right to start this off without the picture, so for your viewing pleasure:

It all looks so harmless and whimsical!

The first time I read this, I laughed. Then I looked at the picture a bit longer, and read this again. Suddenly, this seemed a whole lot less like "quirky news" and more like "The Hardy Boys: SVU."

Why the hell is this being treated like some fun-filled rapscallions are gallivanting around the neighborhood? This isn't a bunch of 6-year-olds with bandannas and plastic swords stealing pies from Old lady Johnson (oh yeah, the very same). We're talking about a guy wearing a black, full-body rabbit suit in near-100 degree temperature and following small children around, apparently taunting them.

What. The. Fuck. Seriously, look at the picture again. That is some high octane nightmare fuel in portable form. And notice the subtle likeness between the eyes of the man and the cold, marble eyes of the rabbit costume. I want to believe that's the empty gaze of Lenny Small, not John Wayne Gacy Jr., but hell man. That whole "stalking little kids" thing doesn't bode so well.

The really obvious "holy shit" factors aside, I have two other thoughts here:

Hoss Of The Week, 1.0

Hoss -noun- 

1) One who is a beast that can basically do anything he wants. He is usually loved by all and a ladies man. He could break anyone or anything in half. Hoss is a compliment.

2) In between Superhero and God. 

-(Via)

Power.  Fucking.  Play.  Is this guy serious?  Dude could be my mayor any day.  Just a no bullshit approach here.  Did you catch this part?  The luxury vehicles had only been parked in these bike lanes for the past few days.  Not even a week.  Rich Lithuanian assholes try to take an inch, get blasted by the mayor.  Makes Giuliani look like Mayor McCheese.  Probably the second best demolition of a luxury car that I've ever seen.  First with taxpayer dollars.

Mayor Zuokas of Lithuania- your hoss of the week.

Didn't See This One Coming

NBCWashington- A new report says that adults in Washington D.C. abuse alcohol more than anyone else in the country.  According to a new study by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 8.1 percent of adults age 26 or older in D.C. are alcohol dependent.  Looking at a long-term sampling, alcohol abuse rate is on the rise for the District, according to the survey.  The Washington Examiner first reported the story, noting that alcohol abuse has been a chronic issue in the District, affecting residents from the city's streets to former First Lady Betty Ford in the White House. The Examiner reported that overall, D.C.'s combined alcohol and drug dependence rate was 11.3 percent of residents age 12 and older.  Virginia's rate for the same age group was 9.4 percent, and in Maryland, the abuse rate was 9.4 percent.

If you're surprised by this you're either a Mormon or an idiot.  This pretty much explains the debt crisis though.  Have you ever brought a credit card to the bar?  I've never once been happy with that decision.  Opening at tab is dangerous in its own right, then all the sudden there's a solid seven talking to you and you think to yourself, "fuck it, it's not like I have to pay it back now."  Start buying drinks you can't afford.  Next thing you know you're closer to reaching your credit limit than getting laid, so naturally you buy another drink to think about it less.  Don't look at your bank statement for like three weeks.  Not a good look.  Anyway, yeah, that credit card was the national debt.  DC was the drunk guy.  And I'm pretty sure the military is the solid seven.  Not positive though.  Bottom's up.

PS- How the hell are we supposed to balance this budget drunk?  I can barely balance my body when I'm drunk. Legitimately. A set of stairs look like the aggro crag after a few drinks. But you want us to magically find trillions of dollars in the books to free up in this condition? Best case scenario we're wicked hung over. Get real.